After a blogging sabbatical...

I haven't published any posts on this blog since December. I have had many thoughts of sitting down and writing but either my computer has shut down on me or my exhaustion has won over my attempts. I miss writing. I miss getting my thoughts out. Much has changed in our lives since December and so I hope to return to our blog more frequently. This blog was open to only readers I chose for about 10 months while we had our foster daughter in our home. But, she has since returned to her bio mom. I'm happy to say that we still have an involvement in her life, thanks to her mom. We are very grateful for the opportunity to still talk with Cheyenne over the phone as well as have her over for sleep overs about once a month. Josh and I know that this privilege is not typical. We're proud of Chey's mom for the steps she is taking in her own life as well as for her family. She has found a passion for life and a purpose to continue living. Josh and I miss having Cheyenne around quite a bit. Not much has changed in her purple and blue room. The door is often shut because our puppy has a mind of his own and will wander in there to seek and devour anything he can get his mouth on. This weekend Cheyenne is home with us. This feels so good and so refreshing. Much feels like it did prior to her return. We are seeing our neighbors more (because she is a social butterfly), our former traditions and sayings are back. Her little nasally voice is here again to warm our hearts. In short, we miss her. She misses us. And no matter what, she will always hold a special place with us. Other things have changed since December. We are now 19 weeks pregnant! Since our miscarriage with our first pregnancy in August I have been on a wrestling match with fear. Most days I feel fear wins. I sit and justify to ease my mind. I was only 8 weeks along when the miscarriage happened. I'm so much further now. Yet, fear wins. What about those women who deliver a still birth? What about the ones who miscarry at 30 weeks and beyond? Could it happen to me again? I have found much solace among friends and family who have encouraged me and cheered us on with this baby. No doubt this little life is special. Don't get me wrong. I don't want fear to win...sincerely. I'm fighting with my heart and head everyday. Will I ever have a solid day of pure excitement over this little life? My tummy looks bigger and rounder on most days...most days. Having a miscarriage has made me more aware and definitely more sensitive to women in general, to those who have lost an unborn child or even a grown child. Loss in any genre is never desired and always a journey to healing. My journey comes in spurts. As this pregnancy continues I'm growing more hopeful. But I have many moments when I doubt. I struggle to prepare a nursery, to think of baby names or even to educate myself of infants. Will I ever just give in to joy? I hope. Our baby is due August 30th. March marked the month our first baby would have been born. I would be in full mother mode right now; that's hard to fathom. We returned from our annual missions trip with our jr highers recently. Overall this was a very different year for the group as well as for me. People didn't want me doing a thing. I'm never one to just sit back and watch as people are working hard all around me. Blame it on my parents who taught me to have a good work ethic. Misery set in after the first day of the trip. I wanted to go home. I felt unused and unwanted. I had no specific job (except caring for our puppy who made the trip with us). As the week developed however, I found myself being there for our girls, some staff and my husband. You know those women who want to have it all? I sometimes want that. There's this drive within me to be a mother, a wife, work in ministry, have a career, start a non profit, go back to school, etc. Someone knock some sense into me! Okay...there, that worked! I have a hard time giving up (at least that's how it feels), my roles in ministry, etc. to be a full time mom. And being a full time mom is what I always wanted to be. For pity sake, I use to dream of marrying a pastor! My childhood ideal hasn't necessarily changed. Let's think of this as adapting as I get older, something completely normal. It is normal, right?! My head thought of next year, this time. Will I bring our baby with us on our missions trip? Probably not. I'll most likely stay home with our little one. Having an infant stay among a group of teens in the same building in my mind is a difficult task. So, I am asking God to teach me patience in this journey of changes. Again...I'm so thrilled to be a mom. I just know my life is never going to be the same. I can't be as involved in my girls' lives as I use to be. I may not make Sunday's and Wednesdays youth group. I'll join the long line of amazing moms I aspire to be like, having day dates in the park with our kids, working around nap times and being home more than I probably have in five years or more. This is adapting in action. And you know, I don't feel I'm completely out of the norm.