There are times when I feel like what I've set my mind and heart on track to accomplish has resulted in failure.
Boom.
There I said it.
I don't often feel this, but my last several years since college has me wondering
what my life is for exactly.
Don't get me wrong. It's a high calling, this thing called marriage and parenting.
Maybe I'm alone but some days I grow weary of my routine and I long for something outside of my normal.
Just in reading my blog roll of different blogs I follow (many of them by fellow mom's), I'm amazed at the depth of creativity and time these bloggers put toward their craft and calling.
I lack the creativity to turn a former changing table into a cool book shelf, though it sounds neat. And, growing up , I was so crafty and loved turning on movies and making all sorts of flower arrangements, cross-stitching Christmas ornaments and decoupage.
Gone are those days...at least for now.
My zeal and passions have changed.
So has my time and time management.
Just recently a friend recommended a wonderful book series and for the first time since before college, I'm finding myself enjoying books. Literally LOL!! Not joking.
Perhaps I feel lame for being a lowly barista for over twelve years, off and on. I've worked minimum wage jobs my whole life really, even with my college degree. Lame, right?
I love being home with my daughter and I truly do treasure those times. Don't think I'm complaining, please! I have had so much fun these last few years spending most of my days with her. Even the hard days, like my previous post described, end up teaching me something in the end. And I think I'm all the better in character and perseverance for riding through those days, with the Lord's help.
Maybe I feel limited.
I use to love working along side Josh in youth ministry and was VERY active in a variety of ways. I led a girls life group for years, mentored many girls, went on all of the youth events, camps and retreats. When I first transitioned into mommy hood, I knew that those commitments would look different and initially I really struggled with contentment because I missed being as available.
To a degree, the point of connection Josh and I also shared in our work in ministry was less as well. I still enjoyed hearing about things going on, but it hurt a bit not being able to share in as much in person.
The older Addy gets, the more I'm recognizing the blessing of my home and neighborhood. I'm realizing that ministry for me is still on going, just in a bit of a different sphere. I try to make efforts with getting to know my neighbors and have been so overjoyed with a few of those friendships because they have become kindred to me. Fellow mom's sharing in this season of life. Our kiddos get along great too.
I've also had to come to terms with not going absolutely crazy over how my house looks when people pop over or I invite them in. I'm a mom of a toddler and sometimes my cleaning comes in segments. My friends understand that.
I like to keep a clean and organized house, trust me. I personally feel better when the dishes in the sink are all cleaned before turning in for the night. But you know what, sometimes I just gotta let it go (que appropriate "Frozen" song), Because after a day of this and that, I just need some me time. Self care is so unrecognized by many that it's sad. We think it's a selfish thing, when in fact, it's a real necessity for our own survival and good (to our self and others).
Where I'm at now is honestly a tough place. I'm sincerely grateful for the opportunity to be a full time mommy and part time barista, full time wifey and part time ministry volunteer at church. Yet, when money is an issue (and it is; cost of living with kids is crazy!), I feel limited to know how to pull my end of the rope in our family and help out. My body and my time feel limited.
I'm praying for an opportunity that utilizes what I love mixed with an opportunity to help our family financially. And in this, I know I'm not alone. Many parents have to tango these realities every single day, as we do. Please share how you have been able to manage your passions with your reality, I'm all ears! I do recognize that sometimes you just have to do something, even if it doesn't pay good or help much, at least it's something. Yet, it would just be nice if my other passions had an outlet to scream out, "I'm being used and I love it!!"
My moments of self-care these days can look like baking, coffee enjoyed without reheating, reading a good book, studying theology and blogging. Activities like going to the Farmers Market, visiting a coffee shop, taking walks are also good food for my soul.
What does self-care look like for you?
Like so many, I've dreamed and I've schemed as to what I might do if I could with certain interests and the list is all over the board:
Own my own coffee shop and bakery
Start a gift basket business
Blog and Freelance
Start a cooking class for kids
Child-Care
Teach Bible Studies
Write Curriculum
Mentoring
Would I go back to school? At this point in the game, probably not. Sometimes I wish I had pursued a different degree, though I don't think all was in vain. Maybe I would have pursued a counseling degree? A business degree, culinary school?
Honestly, work from home business aren't always my forte. I've tried and I'm just not great at pushing something on someone, no matter how much I love a product! Some of my friends are at the top of their game with their own businesses and I'm ultra proud of them. Hey, it's just not for me!
A few of the above mentioned interests have been things I've done through my life, but none of them to earn a living off of.
Here I sit, then...dreaming and scheming. Sure, it's a little fun, but mostly daunting!
Side note: Thanks to all 186 of you who have currently read my previous post about my re-do sort of a day. And thanks to all of you who took time to text or call me personally or write on my husbands Facebook page. Your words have meant so much to me and have encouraged me beyond what I am able to describe in words right now. Thank you for assuring me I'm not alone, as I hope my words have done for you. And thank you to the group of ladies who literally stopped me on the side of the road with a coffee in hand because they knew how crazy my previous day was. My appreciation for all of you is so great...and your timing was astounding. I just can't even...
Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing in my journey.
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