Passion and Parenting-when the real world meets my soul's desires

There are times when I feel like what I've set my mind and heart on track to accomplish has resulted in failure. 

Boom. 

There I said it. 

I don't often feel this, but my last several years since college has me wondering 

what my life is for exactly. 

Don't get me wrong. It's a high calling, this thing called marriage and parenting. 

I'm not doubting that, but sometimes I question what all that calling means; more specifically what it can look like throughout life. 

Maybe I'm alone but some days I grow weary of my routine and I long for something outside of my normal. 

Just in reading my blog roll of different blogs I follow (many of them by fellow mom's), I'm amazed at the depth of creativity and time these bloggers put toward their craft and calling. 

I lack the creativity to turn a former changing table into a cool book shelf, though it sounds neat. And, growing up , I was so crafty and loved turning on movies and making all sorts of flower arrangements, cross-stitching Christmas ornaments and decoupage. 

Gone are those days...at least for now. 

My zeal and passions have changed. 

So has my time and time management.

Just recently a friend recommended a wonderful book series and for the first time since before college, I'm finding myself enjoying books. Literally LOL!! Not joking. 

Perhaps I feel lame for being a lowly barista for over twelve years, off and on. I've worked minimum wage jobs my whole life really, even with my college degree. Lame, right? 

I love being home with my daughter and I truly do treasure those times. Don't think I'm complaining, please! I have had so much fun these last few years spending most of my days with her. Even the hard days, like my previous post described, end up teaching me something in the end. And I think I'm all the better in character and perseverance for riding through those days, with the Lord's help. 

Maybe I feel limited. 

I use to love working along side Josh in youth ministry and was VERY active in a variety of ways. I led a girls life group for years, mentored many girls, went on all of the youth events, camps and retreats. When I first transitioned into mommy hood, I knew that those commitments would look different and initially I really struggled with contentment because I missed being as available. 

To a degree, the point of connection Josh and I also shared in our work in ministry was less as well. I still enjoyed hearing about things going on, but it hurt a bit not being able to share in as much in person. 

The older Addy gets, the more I'm recognizing the blessing of my home and neighborhood. I'm realizing that ministry for me is still on going, just in a bit of a different sphere. I try to make efforts with getting to know my neighbors and have been so overjoyed with a few of those friendships because they have become kindred to me. Fellow mom's sharing in this season of life. Our kiddos get along great too. 

I've also had to come to terms with not going absolutely crazy over how my house looks when people pop over or I invite them in. I'm a mom of a toddler and sometimes my cleaning comes in segments. My friends understand that. 

I like to keep a clean and organized house, trust me. I personally feel better when the dishes in the sink are all cleaned before turning in for the night. But you know what, sometimes I just gotta let it go (que appropriate "Frozen" song), Because after a day of this and that, I just need some me time. Self care is so unrecognized by many that it's sad. We think it's a selfish thing, when in fact, it's a real necessity for our own survival and good (to our self and others). 

Where I'm at now is honestly a tough place. I'm sincerely grateful for the opportunity to be a full time mommy and part time barista, full time wifey and part time ministry volunteer at church. Yet, when money is an issue (and it is; cost of living with kids is crazy!), I feel limited to know how to pull my end of the rope in our family and help out. My body and my time feel limited. 

I'm praying for an opportunity that utilizes what I love mixed with an opportunity to help our family financially. And in this, I know I'm not alone. Many parents have to tango these realities every single day, as we do. Please share how you have been able to manage your passions with your reality, I'm all ears! I do recognize that sometimes you just have to do something, even if it doesn't pay good or help much, at least it's something. Yet, it would just be nice if my other passions had an outlet to scream out, "I'm being used and I love it!!" 

My moments of self-care these days can look like baking, coffee enjoyed without reheating, reading a good book, studying theology and blogging. Activities like going to the Farmers Market, visiting a coffee shop, taking walks are also good food for my soul. 

What does self-care look like for you? 

Like so many, I've dreamed and I've schemed as to what I might do if I could with certain interests and the list is all over the board: 

Own my own coffee shop and bakery

Start a gift basket business

Blog and Freelance

Start a cooking class for kids

Child-Care

Teach Bible Studies

Write Curriculum

Mentoring

Would I go back to school? At this point in the game, probably not. Sometimes I wish I had pursued a different degree, though I don't think all was in vain. Maybe I would have pursued a counseling degree? A business degree, culinary school? 

Honestly, work from home business aren't always my forte. I've tried and I'm just not great at pushing something on someone, no matter how much I love a product! Some of my friends are at the top of their game with their own businesses and I'm ultra proud of them. Hey, it's just not for me! 

A few of the above mentioned interests have been things I've done through my life, but none of them to earn a living off of. 

Here I sit, then...dreaming and scheming. Sure, it's a little fun, but mostly daunting!

Side note: Thanks to all 186 of you who have currently read my previous post about my re-do sort of a day. And thanks to all of you who took time to text or call me personally or write on my husbands Facebook page. Your words have meant so much to me and have encouraged me beyond what I am able to describe in words right now. Thank you for assuring me I'm not alone, as I hope my words have done for you. And thank you to the group of ladies who literally stopped me on the side of the road with a coffee in hand because they knew how crazy my previous day was. My appreciation for all of you is so great...and your timing was astounding. I just can't even...

Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing in my journey. 

Under Pressure

Students all over the world are graduating this time of the year. 

Parents are preparing to send off their first, their last and maybe their middle child. And out they shall go into the unknown chartered waters of universities, colleges, trade schools. Some are leaving home for the first time. Others have never known a stable home environment. Some will share a room for the first time with roommates they have never met. They will learn, some the hard way, that spreading their wings and flying away is not all it's cracked up to be in our child-like ideals. 

But out they go, into the brave new world. 

And for the rest of us, we graduate all the time. We have learned that life is often one big graduation after the next. Some of us advance careers, making a better (or worse) living. Others enter the world of marriage. And then there's those that graduate into parenthood-once, twice, eight times over. 

Life is full of never ending graduations. And if we got to throw a big party for every one we experienced, life would be a big fat party (maybe). 

Everything can feel on the verge of an adventure when your just starting out in your first or second graduation. You've worked hard and now...

Now...

Well, I suppose now the real living starts. Right? 

The truth is there are far too many pressures in each season of graduation. 

The pressure to succeed. 

Pressure to measure up. 

Pressure to not fail but exceed expectations. 

Pressure to be status quo. 

Pressure to go above and beyond. 

Isn't it true that the pressures we experience in life are really never ending? I mean how often are students asked where they're going next? What parent hasn't felt the pressure of disciplining their children in a certain way compared to others? And what of the constant pressure for a single person to find "the one" or to get into a relationship? 

But that's not enough. Because, when they do get into the relationship, they will then hear, "When are you getting married?"

As a parent, I cannot tell you how many times people (well-intentioned people, mind you), would ask us, "When are you gonna have kids?" But after one kid, "When are you going to have another kid?" 

I say "well-intentioned" people, because I don't often feel like people are out to ruin your day or your life goals. But I do think that we all just need to be a little bit more understanding that what is one persons ideal for their life, isn't another's. 

Yet, pressure and the pressure others put on us can often be so powerful, so invasive that it has a creepy way of tearing into what is set before us and messing it all up. People's opinions will begin to speak louder then the road you have set out on. 

Not that there isn't room for clarity and questioning, but sometimes you just gotta run with it and silence the voices of those whose timeline you don't fit in to. 

I just had lunch with a dear friend who is facing certain pressures in her life. Even though she and I are at completely different seasons of life, I found it touching how much I could relate. 

As a mom, I face the endless train of guilt associated with raising children. Am I spending enough time with my daughter? Will I fail her if I return to working more hours? What if she is an only child? What if my house isn't clean enough and my meals aren't homemade enough? When I choose to go out with friends, am I denying my family time I should spend with them? What's really important and how do I weigh my options? Do I still get to pursue dreams and aspirations I have, even though I'm a mom? 

No matter what guilt stares you in the face every morning, we all deal with it. The scary thing is waking up and realizing how much we internalize as just "our problem" is really pretty significantly universal and across the board. 

Maybe we're all just looking for the next big thing in our lives. We look around and compare to other Pinterest worthy moments around us and feel like less-then. Talk about an epidemic. A total human problem. 

So what? If we all struggle with these pressures, why are we all fighting it so hard every day. 

One of the things I appreciate about fellow mommy bloggers and talking with my good girl-friends, is that sense of comradely. Like we could all stand up in our kitchens and over our never-ending laundry baskets, singing our rendition of "We're all in this together" from High School Musical. We truly are not alone. 

Why then do we so often feel alone. Unsatisfied. Looking for the next thing? 

These sorts of pressures in our lives, demand that we stop sucking in my bellies, trying to hide the reality. The sort of pressure that requires at times to allow our friends to see us in our jammies and messy house with a sink full of dishes, because we are so in process of becoming, of doing... 

Relax, friends. 

Give a little grace here and there and don't be afraid to accept the grace when you need to hear it too. 

Be intentional and be all there, wherever there is. 

Set those goals for yourself, know your limits and if someone chokes out their questions and "why's" just let them know this is you and where you're at. 

Timing can be everything, don't you think? 

And thank the Lord, we aren't all on the same time-line. 

Parenting is...

Parenting is hard and today I lost my patience. 

You wouldn't think that brushing your teeth would cause a complete meltdown, a time out and a mommy meltdown. Oh but it did. 

I apologized after for getting upset. I'm sure a fly on the wall would have thought our little squabble to be quite absurdly funny. But in the moment, I didn't. 

And why in the midst of being upset does my toddler have to throw at me words that melt me into nothingness? 

"I'm sorry, Mama." 

Later there were flowers that she brought home to me from running errands with her Daddy. 

Parenting can be tough, no matter how many child psychology books you read, advice you receive and scenarios you toss around in your mind.  

And never in my life have my emotions been so ever changing. 

Happy and fun-lovin' and next minute ready to throw myself into a time out. 

Parenting is also completely humbling for my very soul. 

I have to be bold enough to say that I'm sorry and be ready to give second chances. 

I have to be patient and thankful. 

I have to be willing to take chances and let her little self try out her wings when she is ready.

I need to guide and direct and nurture and discipline. 

And some how in the midst of all of this, I have to remember who I am. 

My identity isn't found in the things I do as a mother and a wife. 

It isn't found in the countless meals I prepare or the piles of laundry I fold.

Nor is it found in how much I can get done in a day. 

No, my identity is found in so much more than what I do. 

Along with reminding myself of who I am, I need to practice good self-care. At the core, self-care is not an unhealthy kind of selfishness. In making time to take care of my health and body, spiritual formation and heart-reconstruction, it helps me do my job even better.

I sadly know of many moms who have completely lost who they are because all that they are is wrapped up into their family. I'm not saying they shouldn't be the best wife and mom they can be, but when years have gone by without taking time to do things that are life giving to them, not just because it has to be done, there's something wrong. And personally, I can find myself becoming very bitter, very quickly.

Granted, life is one big, fat, humongous balancing act, one that I feel I get a good handle on and then life changes and that balance once again needs reworking. Isn't it just constant?

Overall, I'm thankful for the lessons that parenting has taught me these past few years, beginning with our foster daughter and now Adelynne. I'm thankful looking back on those hard moments, when I wanted to throw in the towel. Now to learn how to be thankful in the moment!