Parenting in Community (Where the village people are as crazy as you are)

Monday, a complete stranger complimented me. "You're doin' good, Mama!"she said as she held a door open for me and my stroller and two kids. "I remember those days."

What is it about commonality that is so comforting? I mean, someone has been in your shoes, has worn a similar hat to you and relates to you on a human level. There's just nothing like it.

Of course everyone's stories are different, but the overall theme that resonates in our souls says, "I see you. I understand you."

Those words carry with them a heavy weight lifted and a burden carried in part by someone else.

This morning I fought to "count it all joy." The night was rough. Baby Josiah slept great after about midnight, but I feel another cold coming on and my scoliosis pain has been raw lately. After getting Addy on the potty chair, Josiah was waking up. He's on a medicine for his reflux that he has to take a half hour before he eats. Poor fella after sleeping for a long time in the night, he was for sure ready for his milk. Try telling a starving infant he has to wait 30 minutes to eat. NOT FUN.

I stumbled downstairs with the kids, Josiah cranky in my arms and Addy ready to eat her breakfast. Josiah's binkie kept falling out and Addy was impatiently waiting for her exhausted mother to get her cereal. "I want my Hello Kitty spoon, mom." "I'll look for it," I sharply answered.

Then I fed the dog, Josiah still fussing in my arms.

"Eat your breakfast mom," Addy said.

"Mommy eats when she can," I again sharply responded.

And then it hit me.

As I was bouncing Josiah in front of our bathroom mirror I took a good look at my not so presentable image staring back at me. Motherhood has aged me greatly. 

To be perfectly honest, I've never had a slender figure. I've always struggled with my weight. Exercise and being active hasn't ever come easy for me because of my back pain. Now my more than flabby tummy looks like jello jiggling (just call me Santa) as I do the infamous mama bounce with my baby. My hair was out of sorts and frizzy all over the place, my face badly needed to be washed from yesterdays makeup and my spit up laced old maternity top looked like something the dog had worn for a month.

Josh graciously took Addy to school and I took the morning to finish cleaning out our pantry (boy, did it need it...kinda like I needed a nap).

Lately I've been struck with the idea that I can't do this...all of this parenting stuff on my own. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, thankless job I've ever done. Motherhood has changed me greatly. Sometimes I don't like who I've become. I don't like how this job stretches my patience level and comfort level. Most days I feel inadequate and unmotivated on my own to complete anything. I get lonely if I'm isolated because of sickness or a naughty toddler's choices. And I repeat myself a lot.

Motherhood has given me career skills like none other. I never realized how many things can be done with one hand or mad multi-tasking skills:

• I can bounce a cranky baby with one arm and wipe a poopy bum with the other. 
• I can fix breakfast for the entire family, including the dog. 
• I can open cans, 
• I can start an art project with my daughter at the table and breast feed a baby at the same time. 
• I can text and bounce (just expect a few more typo's and weird auto corrects and probably no emoji usage. 
• I can talk on the phone, clean the bathrooms, mop the floors and discipline the dog for constantly licking everything in sight (yes I know he's a dog but excessive licking leads to him excessively vomiting). 
• I can read a book to my toddler, feed the baby  and stop to issue a time out. 

You get the idea. 

I am also firmly convinced that motherhood has prepared me for a fantastic job with the CIA or interrogations something. I can ask valuable questions until I get the right answer. 

Either that or I can definitely see myself with a career in the recording industry. I posses skills of repeating myself over and over and over and over. So much so that I might as well get paid to record my voice! 

Here's my not so brilliant, yet meaningful conclusion: I can't do this journey alone. Not to sound cliche and just drop a fun little Christian buzz word: journey...but in all seriousness, we aren't made to be alone. And why would we even desire it (aside from the need for the occassional potty break without the dog and toddler cozying up for a screaming/barking match...that's different). 

You know the whole phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child"? It's actually proving to be true. Not only do the kids need a community around them but the parents do as well. And the village people have to be as crazy as you! By crazy I mean radical, exhausted, overwhelmed with love and being love kind of crazy. They have to be willing to see you in your mess, your no-frills, very unpinterest worthy moments. They have to be willing to see you for who you really are, not just the best version of yourself. 

This is where the body of Christ comes in for Christians. In that community, you should experience the freedom to be the best reflection of Christ to your family and world you can muster up. There should be freedom to work out your mess and not stay in it. There should be help for our souls...real soul care not just care for the temporary topical issues that we face. We should experience long lasting freedom to carve out a calling that doesn't just put the breaks on when children enter our world. If anything, parents need to be allowed the freedom to continue exercising their gifting's long after parenthood falls upon them. 

Along with exercising our gifts in parenthood, we need to issue grace to one another when those gifts change, alter and go under the knife. We can help one another to be discerning to where and how the Spirit is leading, even when our season of life no longer stays the same. 

Single friends, we married couples with kids need you! And you know what? I think you need us too! Just because your season is different and by all means not necessarily less or more busy, doesn't negate the fact that we can value each other. Singles have the ability to go and do where a mom or dad can't necessarily just get up and go. And parents know a lot about sacrificing and having a ton on their plate. Maybe a worthwhile example to be around? 

Some of my most favorite days are days where I feel validated as a person, a mom, a wife because I've surrounded myself with others who see me not just for my role in life, but my basic worth as a human being with gifts that didn't go away when I  pushed a baby out of my body. I need to hear that I can still do and be all that God has called me to do and be. I need to hear that yes it will be hard and it may look different but it's still possible to hang on to that calling. 

And I need that village to be just as crazy as I am, if not more so. I need a little crazy in my life, more than I need a nap. 

PS: This blog only took me a few weeks to write. I've been busy leading a crazy life.

A Heart-Cry for Women's Ministry

Something about "Women's Ministry" within the church screams: married, mommy, Jesus-lover.

Yet, "women" encapsulate so much of a broader spectrum: 

Single

No Kids

Unable to have kids

Dating

Married

Abused

Re-married

Divorced

College-Student
Widow

Homemaker

Career Woman

Intellectual

Recovering

And more...

What breaks my heart about many ministries programmed to accommodate "women" is that we tend to marginalize and pick and choose which women we want to include. 

I suppose we justify that maybe "we have a college ministry, so the college aged girls will just go there." 

For me, Women's Ministry is something every Jesus-follower female does every day. 

This sort of ministry is hard to package up into a church program because, by gollie, it's just too diverse. Think of the women you know in your own life. Even if their a "stay-at-home" mommy, they do anything but simply "stay-at-home." Their going in all directions. Some of them even work additionally part time within the home or out of the home. Yet, they all get lumped into a category. 

College-aged girls aren't opposed to mingling with women outside of their sphere. If anything, I see such a huge need for mentor-ship across the board. Yet, this sort of need is also hard to stuff into the perimeters of a program. Have you talked with college students recently? Their crazy busy! Not only do they have a full load of classes, but many of them work to pay off debt and rent. A good majority of them are also invested into some sort of ministry, serving where there are needs and where their own passions need to be used. Their just busy. 

And what of the career woman who doesn't perhaps "stay-at-home" at all but travels extensively and leads at her business or particular field? If we created a ministry for her within the walls of the church, what good would that do? 

Women's ministry as a whole, like many other ministries seem to be best suited within and out of the church. To expect all women to find their place within the walls of the church is difficult to say the least. 

What I love about females is just how diverse we are. And you know what, we know how to make things work! We can tango and dance around schedules and commitments like no body's business. Yes, it's hard, but I just gotta say many of us can make time for what is important. We'll go visit a friend and bring her a coffee when she is having a hard day. We'll schedule play dates for our kids to play but also for our own sanity. We'll forge ahead through a crazy school schedule and still make time to exercise and go out to Salt & Straw with a friend. We're just pretty diverse in our abilities and our commitments. 

Perhaps Women's Ministry is something that offers Bible Studies and events within the walls of the church, but maybe it's much much more. 

I think too often we within the realms of church ministry assume that ministry isn't taking place unless we hear about it or unless we initiate it as a program at church. I think that's a pretty broad assumption. 

Thank the Lord, I have countless examples of how "ministry" happens every day in my relationships with women, young and old. And the longer I live, I can testify to how much sweeter those relationships have become. 

I feel very blessed and so overcome with joy when I think about those girls I've mentored and loved when they were in middle school, who are now adults, pursuing their dreams and life goals. Some are hard-working students, some work full time, some are in church ministry, some are married or on their way to the altar, some are even starting to have kids. WOW! 

Talk about life coming full circle! It's very rewarding and perhaps my most favorite part of seeing relationships grow over the years. 

And, even though our relationships began within the walls of the church, it has advanced into so much more. I'm even seeing some of them take the initiative and lead a Bible study from their homes or schools or places of employment. 

"Ministry" in its essence is a fruit, a by-product of our faith in God. We love Him, so we share it with others. We want to know him more, so we do what we can to further that relationship. 

My heart-cry for "Women's Ministry" is to recognize the ministry that is all ready taking place every day. And then to encourage those ministries to grow and flourish, helping new leaders to rise up. Teaching them how to lead and doing it within their own spheres. 

How do we do this? 

Sometimes we can't expect all those categories of women to come to us. Sometimes we have to go to them, in their homes, helping them wash their dishes and talk about Jesus. Sometimes we need to show up at their school with a coffee in hand during finals week and pray with them, encourage them. Sometimes we need to give them tools to better their life and walk along side them. 

And sometimes we just need to listen, to be. 

Let's welcome the diversity of all women into how we plan an event. Granted, not all will show up, but we can try. 

I once knew of a high-up woman, who worked in the business world. She was an inspiration to me because, even though she was insanely busy, she began a Bible study during lunch time in her office, for anyone who wanted to attend. She helped to provide any interested with tools to study the Bible and she wasn't afraid to discuss controversial issues that maybe the church shy'd away from. She was bold and yet willing to learn. 

So, let's plan those women's events at church, let's encourage them to attend that Bible study. But at the heart of how women do ministry is always more than meets the eye. 

And let's not forget those who don't neatly fit into our program for "Women's Ministry." 

One of my most favorite things to recognize about the character of Jesus, is how he conducted himself with women. He wasn't afraid to welcome the outcast, the unclean and the marginalized, even when the religious leaders of his time didn't. He even welcomed women to journey with he and his disciples as they ministered. And the fact that women are even mentioned in genealogies of Scripture would normally be unheard of. 

Jesus values women, no matter what their social status or past sin. He recognized faith in their hearts and ran with it. He spurred them on to be better than the social norms put on them. 

I think he's a fine example of how to minister to women. 

Under Pressure

Students all over the world are graduating this time of the year. 

Parents are preparing to send off their first, their last and maybe their middle child. And out they shall go into the unknown chartered waters of universities, colleges, trade schools. Some are leaving home for the first time. Others have never known a stable home environment. Some will share a room for the first time with roommates they have never met. They will learn, some the hard way, that spreading their wings and flying away is not all it's cracked up to be in our child-like ideals. 

But out they go, into the brave new world. 

And for the rest of us, we graduate all the time. We have learned that life is often one big graduation after the next. Some of us advance careers, making a better (or worse) living. Others enter the world of marriage. And then there's those that graduate into parenthood-once, twice, eight times over. 

Life is full of never ending graduations. And if we got to throw a big party for every one we experienced, life would be a big fat party (maybe). 

Everything can feel on the verge of an adventure when your just starting out in your first or second graduation. You've worked hard and now...

Now...

Well, I suppose now the real living starts. Right? 

The truth is there are far too many pressures in each season of graduation. 

The pressure to succeed. 

Pressure to measure up. 

Pressure to not fail but exceed expectations. 

Pressure to be status quo. 

Pressure to go above and beyond. 

Isn't it true that the pressures we experience in life are really never ending? I mean how often are students asked where they're going next? What parent hasn't felt the pressure of disciplining their children in a certain way compared to others? And what of the constant pressure for a single person to find "the one" or to get into a relationship? 

But that's not enough. Because, when they do get into the relationship, they will then hear, "When are you getting married?"

As a parent, I cannot tell you how many times people (well-intentioned people, mind you), would ask us, "When are you gonna have kids?" But after one kid, "When are you going to have another kid?" 

I say "well-intentioned" people, because I don't often feel like people are out to ruin your day or your life goals. But I do think that we all just need to be a little bit more understanding that what is one persons ideal for their life, isn't another's. 

Yet, pressure and the pressure others put on us can often be so powerful, so invasive that it has a creepy way of tearing into what is set before us and messing it all up. People's opinions will begin to speak louder then the road you have set out on. 

Not that there isn't room for clarity and questioning, but sometimes you just gotta run with it and silence the voices of those whose timeline you don't fit in to. 

I just had lunch with a dear friend who is facing certain pressures in her life. Even though she and I are at completely different seasons of life, I found it touching how much I could relate. 

As a mom, I face the endless train of guilt associated with raising children. Am I spending enough time with my daughter? Will I fail her if I return to working more hours? What if she is an only child? What if my house isn't clean enough and my meals aren't homemade enough? When I choose to go out with friends, am I denying my family time I should spend with them? What's really important and how do I weigh my options? Do I still get to pursue dreams and aspirations I have, even though I'm a mom? 

No matter what guilt stares you in the face every morning, we all deal with it. The scary thing is waking up and realizing how much we internalize as just "our problem" is really pretty significantly universal and across the board. 

Maybe we're all just looking for the next big thing in our lives. We look around and compare to other Pinterest worthy moments around us and feel like less-then. Talk about an epidemic. A total human problem. 

So what? If we all struggle with these pressures, why are we all fighting it so hard every day. 

One of the things I appreciate about fellow mommy bloggers and talking with my good girl-friends, is that sense of comradely. Like we could all stand up in our kitchens and over our never-ending laundry baskets, singing our rendition of "We're all in this together" from High School Musical. We truly are not alone. 

Why then do we so often feel alone. Unsatisfied. Looking for the next thing? 

These sorts of pressures in our lives, demand that we stop sucking in my bellies, trying to hide the reality. The sort of pressure that requires at times to allow our friends to see us in our jammies and messy house with a sink full of dishes, because we are so in process of becoming, of doing... 

Relax, friends. 

Give a little grace here and there and don't be afraid to accept the grace when you need to hear it too. 

Be intentional and be all there, wherever there is. 

Set those goals for yourself, know your limits and if someone chokes out their questions and "why's" just let them know this is you and where you're at. 

Timing can be everything, don't you think? 

And thank the Lord, we aren't all on the same time-line. 

On Fostering and Loving a Child You Didnt Birth Into the World...

I'm so thankful to be a foster parent. This was a leap of faith Josh and I took about seven months ago. Just like many of lives circumstances and great mysteries, nothing can fully prepare you for taking a child into your heart, home and schedule; a child you did not birth into this world. Were told to love them like their our own but you can't really prepare for them to stay. Fostering is the in between, the waiting for biological family to be redeemed, to be given yet another chance to show the minimum requirement to be a parent.

Josh and I have been married for 4 plus years. We have no kids of our own but miscarried a few months ago. While hoping to still have our own children, fostering is where we have landed. Somehow God wants us to be parents to those not by blood our own. We have "fostered" several teens over the years, not by the hand of DHS but by the will of God. These students we have mentored and poured ourselves into. Beyond the trite saying of "doing life together" we have indeed shared our open lives with them and they with us.

But how much further God is asking us to go is unclear.

Tonight I'm struggling with parenting a child not fully mine but completely Gods. She is almost four and always adorable even when she does something wrong...that's a problem. She states that she has two mommies and one daddy, a matter I carry on my shoulders. I take this seriously. Empty promises told to a three year old are unfair and uncalled for. I can't promise her I know the future but God help me point her to the One who does.

I'm concerned for her and many children being tossed about through a system with inconsistent rules and laws that seem to give a stronger voice to the addicted parents than to the innocent children...but I'm a bit biased. Who does really work on their behalf? Who picks up the pieces after legal decisions are decided?

Introducing...

Our first grill as a married couple!!

Jake came over and celebrated our first steaks grilled on our new member of the family!

Heather and Paul...

My good friend Heather married her love Paul. I was honored to be her Maid of Honor! It was also the first wedding that Josh and I have both been a part of the bridal party! We love you Mr. and Mrs. Alexandar and we wish you joy, love and a blessed life together.

This wedding was also special because I was able to reconnect with some dear college friends. How I miss our years in the dorms, being neighbors and our late night chats....ahhhh sigh!

Valentines 2011

Celebrating Two Years of Marriage!!

May 26th marked our two year wedding anniversary! It's so hard to believe that this much time has passed already. As I look back at the past few years, I thank God for all that has happened. Praise God for the gift of marriage.

We spent the two days doing day trips around the Portland area. What a thrill to not have a time constraint and we could just take our time and enjoy many new places that are sure to become new date night stops!

Here's some of what we did:

Coffee and bagels at "Noah's Bagles"
Individual time in the Word and in new books at two parks
Dinner at Nicholas': a Lebanese Resturant
Walking downtown Portland
Dinner/Happy Hour at Portland City Grill
Dessert at Papa Hydans
Voodoo Donuts
Lunch at Bob's Red Mill and shopping
Chats about youth ministry and life
Coffee at another coffee shop to go
Shopping in West Linn and Lake Oswego
A movie at the old Aladin Theatre

We really enjoyed our time celebrating together and can't wait for many more years together!

A Surprise Date With Josh!

I truly am blessed with a wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with! Last Friday, we decided to take a day together. Josh had the whole thing planned. I felt giddy all day like when we went on some of our very first dates together. He first took me to a new drive thru coffee place called "Black Rock Coffee" where I tried their "Caramel Blondie" and he had an iced Mocha. Yummy in my tummy! Good coffee!

Then Josh surprised me with taking me up to Multnomah Falls, where we hiked to the top of the Falls! BEAUTIFUL!! It was a gorgeous day outside, a perfect day for huffin and puffin our way to the top. It also made me feel quite out of shape! hahha. We really enjoyed the fast walk down from the top!

Then we stopped off at some outlet stores. And, then we made our way to downtown Portland where we were enjoyed a romantic dinner at Stanfords and we're able to use a gift card someone had given us!

What a wonderful date it was!!

My Love...

Marriage is such a gift from God. I can't say how much I LOVE the man that God has given to me...words just don't seem to be enough. If I were to write a Hallmark card, I'd find myself writing a novel (much in the character of my mother!). Josh is truly the perfect fit for me. In all our faults and ideas and traditions, Josh is offering me yet another perspective.

Marriage is a growing together with another person, another soul for life. And what creativity and sense of humor God has! I love how God has joined to different people together and said, now represent Me to that person I've given you!

We've experienced a lot of different transitions since we've been married and we're in another one right now. I'm learning what it means to go the extra mile, to put him before myself, to sacrifice and to listen.

I'm so glad I have Josh to laugh with too! God brilliently knew that humor was a must in my life and Josh and I can share that together. Plus, hearing Josh's laugh is priceless! haha!

I love you baby! Here's to many more days, weeks, months and years with you! Thanks for your love!! I adore being your help mate! :-)