Norman Rockwell Meets the Psych Ward

I am enamored with Norman Rockwell sorts of perfect moments captured. They intrigue me and leave me both warm and cozy and also slightly disturbed. 

One of the conversations I seem to have found myself a part of a lot these days is, "What should I post online for the world to see?" As in, "Should I choose to post only the good moments or should I reveal the normal, crazy, I'm going to pull my hair out and someone is gonna call the cops on me moments?" 

Fellow mom friends, have you entertained the same sorts of questions? I mean really, what makes you choose to post the so not normal pictures of your seemingly everyday routines with perfectly behaved children over the ultra realistic cereal bowl smashed to the ground, insanely high pitched scream protesting the "Go potty and get on your shoes" roll call? 

Essentially I'm asking do we post only the good moments and leave the forgettable moments by the wayside? And if so, why? 

I think my generation and following are quite invested into the notion of authenticity. People just want real, right? They want to know that the same crud that takes place in their homes, with their kids and family time happens across the street and to the pastors family too. Right? Don't we find a little bit of comfort in the fact that their kid lashes out irrationally too? (I borrowed that line from The Santa Clause...thank you Tim Allen). 

Here's the thing, I often only post on my Instagram those happy, pleasant moments and occasionally mention the crazy that led up to that moment or the rest of the day that was hell-ish after that glorious moment. But I don't dwell on the negative. My writing on this blog is often a bit more in depth into those "normal" moments. I'm not a fan of taking a picture of my kids while in the midst of a tantrum. First, I have no free moments during the tantrum to grab my camera or phone. Second, I don't think that's necessarily fair to our kids. I mean, how would we like it if our kids posted our moments of loosing it for all the world to see? How's that for authentic and honest? 

Here's the truth. Raising kids is no small feat. I rarely have an entire day that I can look back and say I've done a great job today as a mom. Because ya'all the truth is often times I mess up royally. I'm not always composed or remember to be calm. Sometimes raising kids makes me question all that I know to be good and gracious and want to lash out irrationally. And I do. 

I don't always feel I'm great as a mom or a wife or a human being for that matter. But ya'all I'm a work in progress. And, here's the thing...I kept them alive today. They had good food on the table. They were bathed. We played. They fought. I lost it. We had beautiful moments I wish I could capture but I'll try to hold in my heart and mind forever. 

Life, day in and day out as a parent is so full of so many mixed emotions. I cannot tell you how many times I've described my day to Josh as a day in the Psych Ward. No sooner our sweet moment is under way, five seconds later, the roof is caving in and sudden emotions leave me spinning. I. can't. catch. up. 

The batch of cookies we made together was beautifully captured and then five minutes later a fit was underway because she didn't want to clean up. 

The messes are never ending, the dishes constant. Sometimes all I feel I do is referee and clean...all day. But here we are. This is us. This is the makings of something holy. I feel it. 

Chaos is all around me and I truly do try to seek the holy in the mundane because I honestly feel there is some underlying sweet, life giving existence to be lived in the midst of it all. Real life often feels typical. As young kids, don't we all often dream of the "When I'm an adult..." Then when adulting happens, we cringe what our life has become. 

I choose to remember the moments Norman would have captured and learn from the moments better left in the psych ward. I absolutely love it when a fellow mom friend spills the beans on her day in the life because you know what...that's truth. I live it every single day. I'm working on finding humor in the moments that feel isolating and unkind. I'm looking for joy...even a small glimmer of it. 

And the other thing I'm recognizing about myself is that when I can exercise the gifts God has given me in other capacities other than within my own home, I somehow come alive. For some people this means working outside the home in a job that is life giving and using their adult skills. For others it's the opportunity to volunteer and pour into peoples lives. I personally love to teach and mentor teens. Teaching Scripture and Theology is something that I have really missed, especially within the capacity of youth ministry. It's an area I desire to grow more maturely in. But it just fills me with such joy, I just can't explain it. I. Geek. Out. 

So, I move through my days with an attempt at making it memorable for them, for me. But often times I experience the mundane and find myself stuck. Stuck in appreciating its value. Stuck because it can feel lonely. 

Then I talk to my mom friends and somehow the world seems right again. 

Precious sisters sharing the same journey, with different little people: let's not be too hard on ourselves. Good job for keeping your crew alive today. Good job for picking up that pile of blocks for the 17th time today. Good job for reading to your kids with constant interruptions from your younger crew and the dog. Good job for sacrificing your own sleep for the sake of staying up all night with them when their sick. Good job for starting the laundry in the washing machine and remembering it five hours later. Good job for attempting a bathroom break while playing goalie keeping your baby away from the dog dish that happens to be also located in the bathroom (I have no experience with this). Good job mama friends. 

You have a tough job. Not all of it will feel memorable today. Most of it you probably don't want to capture and post and that's okay. I see you. I hear you. You are my heroes. 

PS: If you have a MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) group that meets in your area, try to join them! I recently joined one myself and I already feel part of something great. 

Dental Hygienists, Dusty Keyboards and The Holy Spirit

Our home isn't often quiet. Nor is it perfectly put together.

I once read a sign that said, "Excuse the mess, my children are making memories." 

In so many ways that rings true of our home. I love to organize and I love for things to have a spot. My rule: If I'm not going to use it within a year, out it goes! I'm not one to hold on to things and I'm not a fan of clutter and mess. 

Becoming a mom has in time smoothed out the rough patches of my perfectionist mindset. Not that you have to let all things go completely when you become a parent, but perhaps some of those expectations aren't as relevant any more. Other things become more significant perhaps than the time you take to make sure every little nook and cranny is spotless. Things like stopping everything to play with playdoy or making a fort or signing the same song over and over again. Making memories can't be done over. I'd like to have my family remember we had a clean house but more importantly that we had fun with each other. 

More than anything I'd love for my children to remember a mom who took time out of her crazy day to be with them and who valued being present with her kids. A mom who showed love based on the love she'd been shown through her Heavenly Father. 

Within the past few weeks I've been hit hard with a significant lesson and I'll be perfectly honest, it hurts. 

Every once in a while the Holy Spirit makes known in my life such powerful reminders that I can do nothing else but stand in awe and then act. 

What is this said lesson that requires action you might ask? The Fruits of the Spirit. 

That's it. Plain and simple and Sunday School worthy. 

Or is it? 

You see, life in the Spirit is hugely significant and ought not to be taken lightly. 

When God's Holy Spirit makes his home in our souls, how can we stay stagnant? Unmoved. Alone. How can we not be changed? Renewed? 

The reminder I received came through several months of feeling bogged down, overwhelmed and jealous. Perhaps there was some post-partum blues or just the reality of adjusting to life with two kids? Maybe I had just gotten myself in a comfortable reality with my toddler and was just starting to enjoy some new freedoms when life with my infant rocked all of that again? But for whatever reason, my attitude and outlook each day wasn’t great.

I felt I was going through the motions, weighed down and stuck. I needed something to help renew me.

Then it came; at first through gentle reminders from friends and family, reminding me of my value and purpose and the temporary-ness of this crazy season with little ones. I have hung on to each of those reminders. And then I’ve been so loved by people willing to experience my mess, toddler tantrums and baby wailing with me, beside me and all along reassuring me that they don’t mind it one bit.

The journey…

Yet the biggest reminder game through a dental hygienist and a dusty keyboard.

Let me explain.

Addy went in for her second dentist appointment. We absolutely love her dentist and the hygienists. The morning we went in wasn't great. There was yelling and repeating of what needed to happen, time outs and poop blow outs and tons of spit up all over. In short, it was pure stress. 

And in the events leading up to getting out of the door, my daughter wanted her daddy and I to pause for a quick picture that she wanted to take. My mood wasn't great and I fought back tears. Taking a picture was the last thing I needed in that moment. Capturing me in my spit up mess and out of wack back pain wasn't my idea of family fun. But there we stood, Josh and I. He attempted a smile. I did not. Somewhere on her little orange camera sits a picture of a way stressed out mom, not in the mood for fun. I. Was. Exhausted. 

We finally made it to the dentist and as I approached the front desk, the kind receptionist behind the counter stopped me. "We tried calling you..." 

Uh oh. Did I miss the appointment? We're we late? 

Nope, the doctor was at another appointment in town and he himself was running late getting back. 

Great! Confirmation that I'm not the only late one in this life! 

He was on his way back and would be there in about 30 minutes. 

A sweet hygienist offered to start Addy on the cleaning process and he would be back probably just in time to check her. I agreed and back we all went. 

Addy wasn't totally sure about her second trip to the dentist, though she's been role playing being a dentist since her first visit, six months ago. Josh went to the chair with her and I fed Josiah close by. 

The hygienist asked her what movie she wanted to watch on the ceiling, what flavor of tooth paste and fluoride she wanted and if she wanted to wear some super rad looking sunglasses. Did I mention our pediatric dentist is way cool?! 

As the movie Frozen began on the ceiling, I watched the hygienist and almost immediately felt that tinge of guilt inside. This girl was way patient and totally fun. She reminded me of myself several years ago. She had joy that was seriously contagious. When she smiled behind her mask, her eyes sparkled and danced. She was full of life. 

Have you ever experienced a person who was way more patient and understanding than you? I think for me it wasn't so much the fact that she was cute and adorable and seeking to make my daughter feel comfortable, it was a reminder for parts of my mommy-ness that was lacking these days. 

I was sleep deprived and spent and felt I was standing in a fog of too many things that I couldn't keep up on anymore. There wasn't time to do projects with Addy, Josiah demanded too much time. Addy grew impatient when I asked her to wait until I could get her a snack or play with her. Any mom reading this knows that time for yourself, even time to go to the bathroom or take a shower can be few and far between. 

Needless to say, the gentle reminder to find joy in the midst of... was poetically unraveling before my eyes. 

The Fruits of the Spirit are not simply useful cute verbiage in a preschool song. In fact they can be quite hard to achieve and live into. 

The Spirit yields results in our life far beyond the magnitude of what a TV evangelist can proclaim and a short term missions trip can burn within our hearts. 

Love

Joy 

Peace

Patience 

Kindness

Goodness

Faithfulness

Gentleness

Self-Control

I love that when Jesus left earth and ascended into heaven, He for sure did not leave us alone. The Spirit is called a Comforter for a reason. And he's more than Jimmy Cricket could ever conjure up as a conscious. The Spirit is living and life-giving. Sustaining and overwhelming. 

And, we are not alone. 

We. Are. Not. Alone. 

As a mom, I desire to impart a glimpse of God in action to my family. I want them to see God at work in decisions I make, crisis I face and storms I weather. That's my hearts desire. God help me on the days I fall very short of that desire. 

What happened next truly felt Spirit-led. 

In the gentle reminders and in the loud astounding ones, I've come to realize that the enemy of our souls wages war against the Spirit of God. 

There are a plethora of things that the enemy would love to see defeated. And any results of life in the Spirit are high on his list. 

God spoke to me in the mist of these lessons, prompting me to bring a Spirit of worship back into our home. It had been years since I'd played piano and guitar and led worship. Those were life-giving, flourishing times for me. I'm not a fantastic musician or singer but my soul resonates with worship so pointedly. 

Sitting in our garage, collecting dust and cob webs was a keyboard, given to us by Josh's grandparents about three years ago. A few years ago life was starting to get chaotic by adding a baby into our life. There wasn't an adequate place for it, nor did I think I had time to enjoy playing. 

Or so I thought. 

My daughter loves music and I adore that. Worship music had begun to take a big place in her life. We now share many beautiful moments worshiping God together. I love to see her twirl around singing as loud as she can, raising her arms or playing instruments. There aren't many three year old's whose heroes are Chris Tomlin and Lauren Daigle. I love her simple heart of worship. It makes any fancy stage and thrilling light effects of a mega church pale in comparison. 

Through all of these crazy changes and adjustments in life, I'm finding joy in folding my 635,684, 990 load of laundry. The messes that seem to reappear five minutes after being cleaned up are beginning to look like part of my liturgy. Fussy baby nights and defiant toddler tantrums are one big musical genius, composed by the Author of parent hood. 

And here I sit, a much needed donut in hand (brought to me by a husband who decided to listen to my mommy craving for something sweet), finishing a blog post that has only taken about four weeks to write. Thankful. Overwhelmed. Burning tired eyes. Ready to embrace tomorrow. Sunday. Not just fun day, but a day to celebrate our God who is delighted with the praises of his children. Tomorrow will be exhausting as well but I'm praying for it to be life-giving and Spirit directed. 

I'm praying for joy and grace in the impatient parts. I'm praying for love that gives my children what they truly need, not just their fleeting wants. I'm praying for peace in a rocky decision that I've struggled to make. I'm praying for faithfulness to the calling God has carefully and fervently placed on my life. 

Be. 

Breathe. 

And don't forget to exhale. 

Parenting in Community (Where the village people are as crazy as you are)

Monday, a complete stranger complimented me. "You're doin' good, Mama!"she said as she held a door open for me and my stroller and two kids. "I remember those days."

What is it about commonality that is so comforting? I mean, someone has been in your shoes, has worn a similar hat to you and relates to you on a human level. There's just nothing like it.

Of course everyone's stories are different, but the overall theme that resonates in our souls says, "I see you. I understand you."

Those words carry with them a heavy weight lifted and a burden carried in part by someone else.

This morning I fought to "count it all joy." The night was rough. Baby Josiah slept great after about midnight, but I feel another cold coming on and my scoliosis pain has been raw lately. After getting Addy on the potty chair, Josiah was waking up. He's on a medicine for his reflux that he has to take a half hour before he eats. Poor fella after sleeping for a long time in the night, he was for sure ready for his milk. Try telling a starving infant he has to wait 30 minutes to eat. NOT FUN.

I stumbled downstairs with the kids, Josiah cranky in my arms and Addy ready to eat her breakfast. Josiah's binkie kept falling out and Addy was impatiently waiting for her exhausted mother to get her cereal. "I want my Hello Kitty spoon, mom." "I'll look for it," I sharply answered.

Then I fed the dog, Josiah still fussing in my arms.

"Eat your breakfast mom," Addy said.

"Mommy eats when she can," I again sharply responded.

And then it hit me.

As I was bouncing Josiah in front of our bathroom mirror I took a good look at my not so presentable image staring back at me. Motherhood has aged me greatly. 

To be perfectly honest, I've never had a slender figure. I've always struggled with my weight. Exercise and being active hasn't ever come easy for me because of my back pain. Now my more than flabby tummy looks like jello jiggling (just call me Santa) as I do the infamous mama bounce with my baby. My hair was out of sorts and frizzy all over the place, my face badly needed to be washed from yesterdays makeup and my spit up laced old maternity top looked like something the dog had worn for a month.

Josh graciously took Addy to school and I took the morning to finish cleaning out our pantry (boy, did it need it...kinda like I needed a nap).

Lately I've been struck with the idea that I can't do this...all of this parenting stuff on my own. Being a mom is the most difficult, exhausting, thankless job I've ever done. Motherhood has changed me greatly. Sometimes I don't like who I've become. I don't like how this job stretches my patience level and comfort level. Most days I feel inadequate and unmotivated on my own to complete anything. I get lonely if I'm isolated because of sickness or a naughty toddler's choices. And I repeat myself a lot.

Motherhood has given me career skills like none other. I never realized how many things can be done with one hand or mad multi-tasking skills:

• I can bounce a cranky baby with one arm and wipe a poopy bum with the other. 
• I can fix breakfast for the entire family, including the dog. 
• I can open cans, 
• I can start an art project with my daughter at the table and breast feed a baby at the same time. 
• I can text and bounce (just expect a few more typo's and weird auto corrects and probably no emoji usage. 
• I can talk on the phone, clean the bathrooms, mop the floors and discipline the dog for constantly licking everything in sight (yes I know he's a dog but excessive licking leads to him excessively vomiting). 
• I can read a book to my toddler, feed the baby  and stop to issue a time out. 

You get the idea. 

I am also firmly convinced that motherhood has prepared me for a fantastic job with the CIA or interrogations something. I can ask valuable questions until I get the right answer. 

Either that or I can definitely see myself with a career in the recording industry. I posses skills of repeating myself over and over and over and over. So much so that I might as well get paid to record my voice! 

Here's my not so brilliant, yet meaningful conclusion: I can't do this journey alone. Not to sound cliche and just drop a fun little Christian buzz word: journey...but in all seriousness, we aren't made to be alone. And why would we even desire it (aside from the need for the occassional potty break without the dog and toddler cozying up for a screaming/barking match...that's different). 

You know the whole phrase, "It takes a village to raise a child"? It's actually proving to be true. Not only do the kids need a community around them but the parents do as well. And the village people have to be as crazy as you! By crazy I mean radical, exhausted, overwhelmed with love and being love kind of crazy. They have to be willing to see you in your mess, your no-frills, very unpinterest worthy moments. They have to be willing to see you for who you really are, not just the best version of yourself. 

This is where the body of Christ comes in for Christians. In that community, you should experience the freedom to be the best reflection of Christ to your family and world you can muster up. There should be freedom to work out your mess and not stay in it. There should be help for our souls...real soul care not just care for the temporary topical issues that we face. We should experience long lasting freedom to carve out a calling that doesn't just put the breaks on when children enter our world. If anything, parents need to be allowed the freedom to continue exercising their gifting's long after parenthood falls upon them. 

Along with exercising our gifts in parenthood, we need to issue grace to one another when those gifts change, alter and go under the knife. We can help one another to be discerning to where and how the Spirit is leading, even when our season of life no longer stays the same. 

Single friends, we married couples with kids need you! And you know what? I think you need us too! Just because your season is different and by all means not necessarily less or more busy, doesn't negate the fact that we can value each other. Singles have the ability to go and do where a mom or dad can't necessarily just get up and go. And parents know a lot about sacrificing and having a ton on their plate. Maybe a worthwhile example to be around? 

Some of my most favorite days are days where I feel validated as a person, a mom, a wife because I've surrounded myself with others who see me not just for my role in life, but my basic worth as a human being with gifts that didn't go away when I  pushed a baby out of my body. I need to hear that I can still do and be all that God has called me to do and be. I need to hear that yes it will be hard and it may look different but it's still possible to hang on to that calling. 

And I need that village to be just as crazy as I am, if not more so. I need a little crazy in my life, more than I need a nap. 

PS: This blog only took me a few weeks to write. I've been busy leading a crazy life.

Bouncing Back: Josiah's Arrival

It's official folks. I've entered back into the land of spit up and poopy diapers. 

Honestly, a huge side of me got excited when I pushed the "New Post" button for this entry. 

Gosh it's been a while, blogging world! How the heck are you?! 

Here's a big chunk of why I've been absent: 

Our handsome Josiah Lee was born on October 1st. 

7 lb. 15 oz. 

20 inches long

Little man decided to make his entrance into this world two weeks early. 

Addy is officially a big sister. 

We've reentered the world of sleepless nights, frequent diaper changes and endless laundry. 

He's a thinker all ready, even if most of his thinking happens during sleep. 

He's already been on several walks...

and compared his belly button with his big sisters (notice his thinking taking place here).

He's had many books read to him by Addy...

been given a few baths from mommy and Addy...

been to the pumpkin patch (although he was thinking...uh I mean sleeping most of the time...)

Mommy has allowed herself a small amount of coffee to maintain some sort of sanity these days...

Josiah had to think long and hard about how he felt about that. 

We've loved having multiple snug sessions. He loves to snug front and center, just like in the womb. 

And he makes sleep look really good...

Mommy has had fun with little boy clothes...

We waited almost four weeks before we gave Mr. Man a bottle of his breast milk. They say to give it time so there's no nipple confusion. Today, we broke that. Josh fed him his first bottle at midnight and Addy fed him a breakfast bottle this morning. But once Josiah pooped two minutes in, Addy was done. "I'm all done, Mama." 

Lastly, this cute little snapshot ended my night. I got both kids in jammies, Addy bathed. Josiah and I went in Addy's room to say prayers and read a few stories before bed. I laid Josiah down, milk drunk as he was with his pacifier in his mouth. In just a few short minutes, Josiah had fallen asleep in his big sisters bed. Precious. 

I'll share more shenanigans as a mama of two littles later on. For now, a brief update will suffice and I should probably get some sleep while they sleep...or at least head that way after some laundry and dishes get done...another day in the life! 

Passion and Parenting-when the real world meets my soul's desires

There are times when I feel like what I've set my mind and heart on track to accomplish has resulted in failure. 

Boom. 

There I said it. 

I don't often feel this, but my last several years since college has me wondering 

what my life is for exactly. 

Don't get me wrong. It's a high calling, this thing called marriage and parenting. 

I'm not doubting that, but sometimes I question what all that calling means; more specifically what it can look like throughout life. 

Maybe I'm alone but some days I grow weary of my routine and I long for something outside of my normal. 

Just in reading my blog roll of different blogs I follow (many of them by fellow mom's), I'm amazed at the depth of creativity and time these bloggers put toward their craft and calling. 

I lack the creativity to turn a former changing table into a cool book shelf, though it sounds neat. And, growing up , I was so crafty and loved turning on movies and making all sorts of flower arrangements, cross-stitching Christmas ornaments and decoupage. 

Gone are those days...at least for now. 

My zeal and passions have changed. 

So has my time and time management.

Just recently a friend recommended a wonderful book series and for the first time since before college, I'm finding myself enjoying books. Literally LOL!! Not joking. 

Perhaps I feel lame for being a lowly barista for over twelve years, off and on. I've worked minimum wage jobs my whole life really, even with my college degree. Lame, right? 

I love being home with my daughter and I truly do treasure those times. Don't think I'm complaining, please! I have had so much fun these last few years spending most of my days with her. Even the hard days, like my previous post described, end up teaching me something in the end. And I think I'm all the better in character and perseverance for riding through those days, with the Lord's help. 

Maybe I feel limited. 

I use to love working along side Josh in youth ministry and was VERY active in a variety of ways. I led a girls life group for years, mentored many girls, went on all of the youth events, camps and retreats. When I first transitioned into mommy hood, I knew that those commitments would look different and initially I really struggled with contentment because I missed being as available. 

To a degree, the point of connection Josh and I also shared in our work in ministry was less as well. I still enjoyed hearing about things going on, but it hurt a bit not being able to share in as much in person. 

The older Addy gets, the more I'm recognizing the blessing of my home and neighborhood. I'm realizing that ministry for me is still on going, just in a bit of a different sphere. I try to make efforts with getting to know my neighbors and have been so overjoyed with a few of those friendships because they have become kindred to me. Fellow mom's sharing in this season of life. Our kiddos get along great too. 

I've also had to come to terms with not going absolutely crazy over how my house looks when people pop over or I invite them in. I'm a mom of a toddler and sometimes my cleaning comes in segments. My friends understand that. 

I like to keep a clean and organized house, trust me. I personally feel better when the dishes in the sink are all cleaned before turning in for the night. But you know what, sometimes I just gotta let it go (que appropriate "Frozen" song), Because after a day of this and that, I just need some me time. Self care is so unrecognized by many that it's sad. We think it's a selfish thing, when in fact, it's a real necessity for our own survival and good (to our self and others). 

Where I'm at now is honestly a tough place. I'm sincerely grateful for the opportunity to be a full time mommy and part time barista, full time wifey and part time ministry volunteer at church. Yet, when money is an issue (and it is; cost of living with kids is crazy!), I feel limited to know how to pull my end of the rope in our family and help out. My body and my time feel limited. 

I'm praying for an opportunity that utilizes what I love mixed with an opportunity to help our family financially. And in this, I know I'm not alone. Many parents have to tango these realities every single day, as we do. Please share how you have been able to manage your passions with your reality, I'm all ears! I do recognize that sometimes you just have to do something, even if it doesn't pay good or help much, at least it's something. Yet, it would just be nice if my other passions had an outlet to scream out, "I'm being used and I love it!!" 

My moments of self-care these days can look like baking, coffee enjoyed without reheating, reading a good book, studying theology and blogging. Activities like going to the Farmers Market, visiting a coffee shop, taking walks are also good food for my soul. 

What does self-care look like for you? 

Like so many, I've dreamed and I've schemed as to what I might do if I could with certain interests and the list is all over the board: 

Own my own coffee shop and bakery

Start a gift basket business

Blog and Freelance

Start a cooking class for kids

Child-Care

Teach Bible Studies

Write Curriculum

Mentoring

Would I go back to school? At this point in the game, probably not. Sometimes I wish I had pursued a different degree, though I don't think all was in vain. Maybe I would have pursued a counseling degree? A business degree, culinary school? 

Honestly, work from home business aren't always my forte. I've tried and I'm just not great at pushing something on someone, no matter how much I love a product! Some of my friends are at the top of their game with their own businesses and I'm ultra proud of them. Hey, it's just not for me! 

A few of the above mentioned interests have been things I've done through my life, but none of them to earn a living off of. 

Here I sit, then...dreaming and scheming. Sure, it's a little fun, but mostly daunting!

Side note: Thanks to all 186 of you who have currently read my previous post about my re-do sort of a day. And thanks to all of you who took time to text or call me personally or write on my husbands Facebook page. Your words have meant so much to me and have encouraged me beyond what I am able to describe in words right now. Thank you for assuring me I'm not alone, as I hope my words have done for you. And thank you to the group of ladies who literally stopped me on the side of the road with a coffee in hand because they knew how crazy my previous day was. My appreciation for all of you is so great...and your timing was astounding. I just can't even...

Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing in my journey. 

Under Pressure

Students all over the world are graduating this time of the year. 

Parents are preparing to send off their first, their last and maybe their middle child. And out they shall go into the unknown chartered waters of universities, colleges, trade schools. Some are leaving home for the first time. Others have never known a stable home environment. Some will share a room for the first time with roommates they have never met. They will learn, some the hard way, that spreading their wings and flying away is not all it's cracked up to be in our child-like ideals. 

But out they go, into the brave new world. 

And for the rest of us, we graduate all the time. We have learned that life is often one big graduation after the next. Some of us advance careers, making a better (or worse) living. Others enter the world of marriage. And then there's those that graduate into parenthood-once, twice, eight times over. 

Life is full of never ending graduations. And if we got to throw a big party for every one we experienced, life would be a big fat party (maybe). 

Everything can feel on the verge of an adventure when your just starting out in your first or second graduation. You've worked hard and now...

Now...

Well, I suppose now the real living starts. Right? 

The truth is there are far too many pressures in each season of graduation. 

The pressure to succeed. 

Pressure to measure up. 

Pressure to not fail but exceed expectations. 

Pressure to be status quo. 

Pressure to go above and beyond. 

Isn't it true that the pressures we experience in life are really never ending? I mean how often are students asked where they're going next? What parent hasn't felt the pressure of disciplining their children in a certain way compared to others? And what of the constant pressure for a single person to find "the one" or to get into a relationship? 

But that's not enough. Because, when they do get into the relationship, they will then hear, "When are you getting married?"

As a parent, I cannot tell you how many times people (well-intentioned people, mind you), would ask us, "When are you gonna have kids?" But after one kid, "When are you going to have another kid?" 

I say "well-intentioned" people, because I don't often feel like people are out to ruin your day or your life goals. But I do think that we all just need to be a little bit more understanding that what is one persons ideal for their life, isn't another's. 

Yet, pressure and the pressure others put on us can often be so powerful, so invasive that it has a creepy way of tearing into what is set before us and messing it all up. People's opinions will begin to speak louder then the road you have set out on. 

Not that there isn't room for clarity and questioning, but sometimes you just gotta run with it and silence the voices of those whose timeline you don't fit in to. 

I just had lunch with a dear friend who is facing certain pressures in her life. Even though she and I are at completely different seasons of life, I found it touching how much I could relate. 

As a mom, I face the endless train of guilt associated with raising children. Am I spending enough time with my daughter? Will I fail her if I return to working more hours? What if she is an only child? What if my house isn't clean enough and my meals aren't homemade enough? When I choose to go out with friends, am I denying my family time I should spend with them? What's really important and how do I weigh my options? Do I still get to pursue dreams and aspirations I have, even though I'm a mom? 

No matter what guilt stares you in the face every morning, we all deal with it. The scary thing is waking up and realizing how much we internalize as just "our problem" is really pretty significantly universal and across the board. 

Maybe we're all just looking for the next big thing in our lives. We look around and compare to other Pinterest worthy moments around us and feel like less-then. Talk about an epidemic. A total human problem. 

So what? If we all struggle with these pressures, why are we all fighting it so hard every day. 

One of the things I appreciate about fellow mommy bloggers and talking with my good girl-friends, is that sense of comradely. Like we could all stand up in our kitchens and over our never-ending laundry baskets, singing our rendition of "We're all in this together" from High School Musical. We truly are not alone. 

Why then do we so often feel alone. Unsatisfied. Looking for the next thing? 

These sorts of pressures in our lives, demand that we stop sucking in my bellies, trying to hide the reality. The sort of pressure that requires at times to allow our friends to see us in our jammies and messy house with a sink full of dishes, because we are so in process of becoming, of doing... 

Relax, friends. 

Give a little grace here and there and don't be afraid to accept the grace when you need to hear it too. 

Be intentional and be all there, wherever there is. 

Set those goals for yourself, know your limits and if someone chokes out their questions and "why's" just let them know this is you and where you're at. 

Timing can be everything, don't you think? 

And thank the Lord, we aren't all on the same time-line. 

Parenting is...

Parenting is hard and today I lost my patience. 

You wouldn't think that brushing your teeth would cause a complete meltdown, a time out and a mommy meltdown. Oh but it did. 

I apologized after for getting upset. I'm sure a fly on the wall would have thought our little squabble to be quite absurdly funny. But in the moment, I didn't. 

And why in the midst of being upset does my toddler have to throw at me words that melt me into nothingness? 

"I'm sorry, Mama." 

Later there were flowers that she brought home to me from running errands with her Daddy. 

Parenting can be tough, no matter how many child psychology books you read, advice you receive and scenarios you toss around in your mind.  

And never in my life have my emotions been so ever changing. 

Happy and fun-lovin' and next minute ready to throw myself into a time out. 

Parenting is also completely humbling for my very soul. 

I have to be bold enough to say that I'm sorry and be ready to give second chances. 

I have to be patient and thankful. 

I have to be willing to take chances and let her little self try out her wings when she is ready.

I need to guide and direct and nurture and discipline. 

And some how in the midst of all of this, I have to remember who I am. 

My identity isn't found in the things I do as a mother and a wife. 

It isn't found in the countless meals I prepare or the piles of laundry I fold.

Nor is it found in how much I can get done in a day. 

No, my identity is found in so much more than what I do. 

Along with reminding myself of who I am, I need to practice good self-care. At the core, self-care is not an unhealthy kind of selfishness. In making time to take care of my health and body, spiritual formation and heart-reconstruction, it helps me do my job even better.

I sadly know of many moms who have completely lost who they are because all that they are is wrapped up into their family. I'm not saying they shouldn't be the best wife and mom they can be, but when years have gone by without taking time to do things that are life giving to them, not just because it has to be done, there's something wrong. And personally, I can find myself becoming very bitter, very quickly.

Granted, life is one big, fat, humongous balancing act, one that I feel I get a good handle on and then life changes and that balance once again needs reworking. Isn't it just constant?

Overall, I'm thankful for the lessons that parenting has taught me these past few years, beginning with our foster daughter and now Adelynne. I'm thankful looking back on those hard moments, when I wanted to throw in the towel. Now to learn how to be thankful in the moment!