Bouncing Back: Josiah's Arrival

It's official folks. I've entered back into the land of spit up and poopy diapers. 

Honestly, a huge side of me got excited when I pushed the "New Post" button for this entry. 

Gosh it's been a while, blogging world! How the heck are you?! 

Here's a big chunk of why I've been absent: 

Our handsome Josiah Lee was born on October 1st. 

7 lb. 15 oz. 

20 inches long

Little man decided to make his entrance into this world two weeks early. 

Addy is officially a big sister. 

We've reentered the world of sleepless nights, frequent diaper changes and endless laundry. 

He's a thinker all ready, even if most of his thinking happens during sleep. 

He's already been on several walks...

and compared his belly button with his big sisters (notice his thinking taking place here).

He's had many books read to him by Addy...

been given a few baths from mommy and Addy...

been to the pumpkin patch (although he was thinking...uh I mean sleeping most of the time...)

Mommy has allowed herself a small amount of coffee to maintain some sort of sanity these days...

Josiah had to think long and hard about how he felt about that. 

We've loved having multiple snug sessions. He loves to snug front and center, just like in the womb. 

And he makes sleep look really good...

Mommy has had fun with little boy clothes...

We waited almost four weeks before we gave Mr. Man a bottle of his breast milk. They say to give it time so there's no nipple confusion. Today, we broke that. Josh fed him his first bottle at midnight and Addy fed him a breakfast bottle this morning. But once Josiah pooped two minutes in, Addy was done. "I'm all done, Mama." 

Lastly, this cute little snapshot ended my night. I got both kids in jammies, Addy bathed. Josiah and I went in Addy's room to say prayers and read a few stories before bed. I laid Josiah down, milk drunk as he was with his pacifier in his mouth. In just a few short minutes, Josiah had fallen asleep in his big sisters bed. Precious. 

I'll share more shenanigans as a mama of two littles later on. For now, a brief update will suffice and I should probably get some sleep while they sleep...or at least head that way after some laundry and dishes get done...another day in the life! 

Sharing our joy in the midst of loss

Since our miscarriage just over a year ago, I have found myself ultra-sensitive to how I share about my pregnancy and now about life as a mother of an infant. I know what it's like to loose one sweet baby, though I have no clue what it's like to have lost multiple. I learned through our loss that people, sometimes the people you least expect, can say some really stupid things in the midst of an individuals grief and healing. Christians, in particular, from my experience say some super stupid things. Sometimes all I wanted was to be quiet. Sometimes all I wanted from others was to just listen. Sometimes I wanted to scream at God, at people, at my friends, at my family. I was mad at God, mad at circumstances out of my control. I was irritated that I could be left alone and I was tearful when no one tapped in. Mostly, I was a mess.

And I also learned that spouses can grieve differently from each other. What was a big ordeal for me to overcome, was not as big to Josh. How I communicated my grief wasn't necessarily the same way Josh communicated his grief. To say that he didn't grieve is a misguided understatement. Of course he grieved. He grieved with me and sometimes the say way as I did; sometimes not. I couldn't lump his healing process into my same box, expecting it to be the same.

I'm no longer on Facebook and I rarely check or post to my Twitter account. I've heard from friends who have lost and are trying to get pregnant that reading their friends constant posts about their family and kids and pregnancy can be difficult. It can also be difficult to have so many friends pregnant or having kids, while you are still trying to get over the loss of baby number 1, 2, 3, etc.

I know I had to arrive at some sense of closure with my loss in order to move on to what else God had for me in life. I know that is a constant choice I must make every day, sometimes throughout the day. As I sit here typing this words with the breath of my baby girl near my face and her warm snuggles surrounding me, I know that I feel so very blessed. I feel blessed in the realization that she is a miracle. Her health is a miracle, her life and her existence. I know that she is the Lord's, not mine. She is merely mine and Josh's to love and teach and take care of. Ultimately she's the Lord's. Someday I may find myself wondering why she may be taken from me before I breathe my last; I hope to God I don't have to experience that. But for now, she's here and she's a gift.

I try to be sensitive when sharing about my new life as a new mom with friends who I know are grieving their losses, maybe their losses of their adult children as well, not just their baby's. Loss on any level is so difficult and it really does try our souls and tugs on all of our emotions.

I hate the why question and I'll just never understand the answer to it. Maybe I can't know the answer in my lifetime. Will I be okay with that? I know that grieving and healing is such a fundamental part of our lives. It's really part of our DNA. We exist, we live, we loose, we grieve, we heal. To others we live, we die...that's it. No hope, no purpose. I can't imagine a life like that. What's the point? There just isn't a point. I cling to the hope I have in the Lord everyday. I know that without that I am truly nothing. Sometimes I need to remind myself of that and the purpose I have in this life. I know that I am not alone. I know that my loss is sometimes similar to another person's loss, but also different. I know that others have lost more than me and that at times I've lost more than certain people. But do I really need to keep track? At the end of the day loss is loss and joy is joy. What is one person's season of letting go, might be another person's season of accepting something new. And how do we live in the in between?

We're told in our churches to "do life together." What does that actually mean? It's a cute little phrase that we like to throw out that shows our unity and our purpose. But is it more than a phrase and if so, how do we actually live that? Being a part of someones healing process is just as important as sharing in their joy. One shouldn't  really outweigh the other.