Wingin' It...

Parenting.

Sometimes I just throw my hands up in defeat and pure honest revelation that I have no clue what I'm doing as a parent.

Have you been there?

Growing up, I wasn't one of the many young girls who babysat for a first job. I mean, when I watched kiddos they were always a bit older. None were infants. I tried super hard to be the "cool babysitter." Of course I had to come prepared with activities or crafts or some other time occupier because God-forbid the kids ever realized I had no idea what I was doing watching them.

One thing I did have going for me was I was mature for my age (yes I'm admitting that). I was reliable and I sought hard to reassure parents that they could trust me with their kids.

But I never really saw babysitting as a job per se. Watching youngsters was something that I only did maybe a hand full of times on my own.

So, I'll admit, I was just a little bit scared when Addy came into our seemingly small world of crazy youth activities and events and travels. She rocked our world, in more ways than one.

Perhaps I relied on my husbands expertise not only as a youth pastor, but also the big brother in a large household. Surely he had a clue what we were suppose to do, right? Well, yeah...sometimes.

These past three years or so there's been several occasions when I have just had to be okay with wingin' it. Truthfully, parenting is the most vulnerable, honestly gut wrenching thing I've ever signed up to be a part of. Marriage is a good first precursor to those raw emotions, but parenting...well it's just the icing on the very big, very loud, very messy cake (forgive the bad analogy, I'm craving something sweet).

Parenting, more specifically mothering, has taught me to take all advice with a grain of salt. Mull it over. Contemplate it, but ultimately our lives are not capable of being snugly fit into the same boxes as the next big, very loud, very messy cake (there I go again). And, thank God they aren't! Literally!

Many days I just fail as a parent. Sleepless nights have left me walking around like a zombie (no seriously you should see my hair when I have no time to make it happen; and I stink...something fierce, I might as well be the walking dead. Read: vulnerable moment). I get highly irritable, especially to my family, when I lack sleep and a good shower.

I'm trying. Quite truly I am trying.

It's just that sometimes I reach the point of my invisible limit and...I. Am. Done. Done.

So, I wing it...on a hope and a prayer that maybe, just maybe I'll make the right choice, discipline the right way for my kids and be consistent in all things. I pray that my words honor God, that my actions are pleasing to him.

Yet, some days I know I fail.

My words can be cheep and I can lash out in frustration that my feisty toddler has once again refused to eat her bites or go potty, even though she's been potty trained for months and is a pro (I like to think that sometimes she see's herself as a closet potty expert, afraid to let it out too much that she actually knows how to plop some good presents in that cute little teal potty chair).

I. Lack. Patience.

Not all the time, but maybe a good chunk of the time.

Not to be a downer, but parenting isn't for the weak or for those people who think having kids will solve marital issues. Parenting is exhausting and pulls at every emotion within you. No matter how many books from the "pro's" that you read prior to having kids, no matter how many coffee dates you have with your friends to prepare you for all that's too come, you'll still find many times when you need to wing it.

So, as I sing over Josiah above the noise of the hum of our bathroom fan tonight (he likes white noise) and as I attempt to give Addy a bath with one arm and bounce a fussy, gassy baby boy with the other, I'm reminded to pray, to breath deep and always exhale. I pray over my children, I dream with them and for them. I try to imagine them down the road, with their friends, in their first job and maybe having a family of their own someday. Sometimes these younger years feel the most overwhelming when your going through them. Maybe keeping perspective really is important, folks?!

I pray for patience. PATIENCE. PAAAATTTIEEEENNNNCCEEE!!! (can you tell my weakness?!). And I pray that God will help sustain me through these crazy days of endless repeat buttons and sleepless nights. And when the beagle is howling at a passerby and my toddler is singing "Let it Go" for the umpteen time and my baby's gassy tummy causes him such pain and when all those things and more happen all at the same time day in and day out...I pray for perspective that this too shall pass.

In the meantime, I don't want too much to pass me by without me taking full stock of my current season. Beyond the title of "mommy of two," beyond the messes and crying and temporary frustrations, in all of my wingin' it attempts, I hope that through it all I can come out a stronger, more dynamic individual. I hope that my faith only grows in this tried and true time and that it can stand.