A friend stopped through the drive-thru at the coffee shop the other day. It didn't take me long to realize that she didn't have her little lady in the back seat with her. When I asked where her side kick was she was slightly struggling for words. Then she finally let out, "She's with her Daddy today! I know it's weird I don't usually get out without her. But my husband said he wanted to take her and run some errands so I was like, uh okay!"
She then confessed that she feels...
"Guilt?" I finished for her.
"YES," she said. It was like she felt comforted to know that I too felt the same feelings when I went out for mommy time without my little lady.
Apparently, the feelings of guilt are more common than I first realized.
I thought I was a special class of crazy mommy's who fretted over their little one whenever they attempted to get out of the house for some mom time, girl time or husband time.
I'm getting better but I still don't like leaving when she's awake. This is the convenient part of working at 5 am.! I escape having to say goodbye to her. Not my favorite thing.
But I'm getting better.
Of course I realize that having mommy time is good for us.
I told my husband the other day that I have been feeling disconnected to what he's connected to (something we had as a pre-Addy point of connection for us). And, I managed to say that I'm loosing interest in what I once loved (writing and researching).
My thoughts are not clear anymore. Most of my sentences seem to run in fragments and are constantly being started and re-started as I tango my active toddler.
Before you start to provide a not so helpful phrase like, "Just wait till you have three kids" or, "Honey, it's all a part of being a mommy" let me assure you that I know that. Well, I know it as much as I humanly can right now.
But what I'm vegging about is that I don't want to loose passions and abilities that I know are God-given. I merely want encouragement on how to exercise them and feel human in the season I'm in.
I want to do what is set before me and do it well, not half-hearted.
And, lest you think I don't enjoy being a mommy, I'd ask you to re-think that entirely. I LOVE BEING A MOMMY (just watch my Instagram; I have a mild obsession with posting pictures of my side kick)! I love being a homemaker and I love being there for so many of Addy's discoveries. She's a delight and I will always love her and what she has brought into my life.
I am currently in the season of being a mommy and wife and trying to work out what serving Jesus looks like now.
I'm very thankful for four amazing junior high girls and one very awesome co-leader who have decided since January to walk with me in a life group, once a week together. These girls have helped me feel more human lately. They have helped me exercise gifts and be blown away humbled as they've loved on my family as well. Addy adores them and often thinks that anytime we go to visit Da Da at church that the "girls" will be there too.
I might also say I'm quite tickled by my friendships with my friends who aren't mothers but who truly want to come take a walk with me and Addy or ask my thoughts on theology or life. They make me feel like a valued human being in more ways than I can describe. I'm quite thankful for them.
And, call me crazy but this year I've accepted co-teaching classes for junior high camp and Addy will be coming along with us. I'm still trying to figure out the timing of teaching and working around Addy's schedule and Josh's directing schedule...but you know what? I'm stoked to try something new!
Another thing has happened to me recently. Two very kind woman come to my door on a regular basis and we discuss theology, the Bible and our own journeys. Their Jehovah's Witnesses and I haven't told them I'm not interested yet. They intrigue me in a non-creepy way. I think it's because their open to discuss, even when we royally disagree. I can hug them when they leave and welcome them back. They make me stronger in what I believe because I have something in which to sharpen my faith against.
Our times haven't been about whose right and wrong. I haven't tried to come up with some well-reasoned rebuttal to their comments. I'm listening and so are they. I'm researching and so are they. I'm quite happy they're in my life. And I love getting to know them as people first and foremost.
I've taken a few steps out of helping Josh with most of the ministry stuff I use to do. I found it too hard to be good at being a mom and be all present and available as a staff member. On Sunday's, I can be found at the church's coffee stand whippin' up mocha's and latte's and attending Sunday School with the adults for the first time in about nine years. I miss the connection with the youth and Josh in helping out, but I also knew that I needed an adult outlet for my own faith and well-being.
It's a season (don't ya just love that phrase?!).
There are a lot of assumptions put on to pastor's families. One is that his wife (and family) will just go along with whatever he is doing. Josh has done a great job of protecting me and Addy from that assumption. Understand that saying "no" to certain events that we normally would have done can be difficult. And, yup there's guilt that comes with the saying "no." But all in all, I feel like we're trying to be good stewards of what God has given us.I don't want to be another statistic of a failing pastor's family who walk away from ministry burned out and sickened by the church. The church fails all the time because people fail...all the time. Yet, I see a certain beauty in it's presence that hasn't pushed me away yet. In fact, I love the church and seek to help redeem it all the time.
Yet, being a family in full-time ministry isn't easy.
There are many times when I feel like a single parent (not Josh's fault) because of all of the directions and things he is "strongly encouraged to attend."
It isn't easy forming traditions for our own family around the holiday's because of the many services he has to be at or events that are planned that we should probably make an appearance at.
There's late night youth events and gatherings, there's connections with the staff and students on the side, there's meetings and visits to the hospital.
And, I also work two or three days a week.
Many times our schedules are opposite. Yet, we're trying to find that happy balance or a balance none the less.
I have come to appreciate little times we get together as a family: a grocery shopping trip, a coffee date, a walk in our neighborhood to see the horse, goats and chickens that are out next door. Little things are becoming big things.
Play dates for Addy are also fellow mommy dates for me! I'm loving that. I sometimes get so slap happy with arranging play dates for Addy because I need to talk to and see MY friends (is that okay?!). Sure, our times together are never undisturbed, but it's okay. I'm loving being a mom with my fellow friends.
In the midst of it all, I realize that I will fail--as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend...
The journey we are all on is quite diverse in nature. No one story is the same.
We are susceptible to change, tragedy and triumph.
Life is more than a bowl full of cherries.
Life is more like a buffet line of some really great tasting food and some food that should stay in a baby food jar.
Life for each individual is for sure more than ever meets the eye. And, like the married couple in the movie, "Date Night," who ask while at dinner in a restaurant, "What's their story?" I can't help it...I wanna know the deeper story of a persons existence. I want to know more about their journey and less about my opinion of it.
In whatever season (there it is again) of life you find yourself in, I hope to be that person in your life who doesn't assume to know who you are and what your experiencing without first getting to really know you. I don't mean Facebook stalking you either, because that's actually not a healthy way to truly get to know someone. I mean, I hope I can get to know you, have a mommy play date and talk always interrupted about our journey's.
Our relationship can be the type that finds a commonality in trying to get our kids to eat just one more bite, of adding yet one more thing to our already crazy calendar. We can relate and challenge and encourage. We can listen and rejoice, cry and get upset. We can find resolution and solitude in least likely places (I keep trying for two minutes of uninterrupted potty time...hasn't happened yet).
Mothering isn't easy.
Parenting is hardly ever like it is in the books.
Kids aren't all cookie cutters.
Sometimes life really is the pits.
Yet, joy is a gift that, if we always experienced it, would it really be a gift?
I'm learning to love this season (yup, I said it again). Learning... and always a student.
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