The Joy of the Lord: When pure love for God was found in cassette tapes, Barbies and diapers

Have you ever been around a Holy Roller? 

Okay, honestly that term probably has gotten a bad rap over the years. I remember many "God encounters" growing up. Special, anointed divine times with my God. Maybe I was a Jesus Freak or just a bit of a geek, but I loved planting myself in my room with worship music blasting. Would you believe that some of my earliest worship memories happened in my own room...with my dolls and barbies. Yup, God works in mysterious ways. My brother and I loved to play songs together and as we grew older, Joseph began a serious love of sound equipment and would record our songs. Somewhere these can be found on cassette tapes. 

Cassette tapes. Remember those?

I remember going through countless little "devo's." and would fill in the blank at every question. 

I was hungry. And I didn't find myself typical. 

I often didn't fit into my own age group. Adults were my friends more often than not. 

Then college happened in 2001. Bible College. I majored in Bible and Theology, minored in Journalism. In classes, I was the silent one. But get me in a conversation with my close friends or around a group in the dorms and I totally opened up. 

All-nighter's were spent at our 24-hour Starbucks up the hill. There were many times a wide smile would break out across my face while I was studying with a quad Venti in front of me (yup, college ruined me and began my coffee addiction). 

Pure joy ripped through every fiber of my being. I had never had to study so hard and remember so much. Call me lame, but papers were my favorite, even though I wasn't always good at them. I  soaked up the study time. I loved the research and digging deep. Tests have never been my strong suit, but I just simply and honestly fell in love with God. 

College life made God more personal than I had ever experienced. 

His still small voice could be found in prayer walks around campus, times of worship with  friends and a guitar on the grass and in so many conversations and shared life experiences. 

In all the churches I've attended growing up, I had never seen such a beauty in the body of Christ, like I had in college. 

I became friends with a guy who spent several months in between college, living in the middle of nowhere, in a cabin, in isolation. He would return to school and share his story. He met God there. 

I met with a small group of girls just about every week for a time of prayer and homemade treats in my dorm room, because I knew the Spirit could be found in our time together. 

Youth ministry was what I breathed in and out the most, climaxing in helping out with three youth ministries, many miles from each other, my senior year. I was crazy. And I wouldn't change a thing. 

I was beyond stretched and available more than ever before. I stepped up to the daunting tasks of mentoring a few teen girls, teaching for the first time to an age group I once felt distant from and even leading worship on multiple occasions. 

All around me were countless opportunities, with not much more than a crazy schedule holding me back. 

And my friends were so varied. Some where the more "hippie Jesus Freaks" and others were ultra conservative Baptists. I was friends with two girls who later came out as lesbians and roomed with a wonderful sister who grew up as a missionary kid in Africa. 

Simply said, I have found that the joy of the Lord is contagious and life giving. Once when you've experienced it, how can you settle for "normal?" 

I have found this joy in the faces of strangers I have passed a sandwich to on the streets, the homeless woman I hugged and prayed for healing in her body and in my own daughters sweet giggle. This joy is found in my those closest to me, inflicted with pain and disease yet who persevere despite the odds. And joy, pure joy of the Lord, found in my friends who advocate on behalf of those who have no voice, to make sure their rights are not taken from them. 

Definitely, as I've grown, I've been stretched. Many uncomfortable prospects have been set before me and I've had to choose to move thru them or find a way around them.

Without fail, more joy and life blessings have been found as I've chosen to move thru those decisions, with the guidance of the Spirit. 

A certain boldness arose deep inside me as I chose to be all that God would want me to be. Even in the moments I felt least adequate, he met me and equipped me, much better than I could do on my own strength.

God hasn't stopped moving in my life, even when my availability feels less than it previously did. 

God is still working in and through me because I'm learning to say yes to his timing. 

Life for sure looks like a different level of freedoms and responsibilities and I can't necessarily go and do as easily anymore...with many things. 

But what opportunities lay before me are endless and beautiful in their own way. Even the poopy diapers and interrupted Bible study prep time have their own sense of the pure joy of the Lord. Now I find God in countless interrupted parent moments and mommy play dates where we referee our kiddos while we talk theology and Holy Spirit moments.

This joy is totally abundant when a friend chooses to embrace me, despite my horrible mess and crazy life and share in the madness with me, reassuring me that I'm not alone.

For this joy is found in the still small voice and in the thundering chaos of life. 

Jesus met people where they were at, without condition. 

And he called them from where they worked and labored. 

His timing is always on par and his joy is always complete. Without fail. 

Christmas in JULY!!!

I have this very odd, very crazy, very fun tradition with my co-workers. 

We like to celebrate Christmas in the off season...

The really off season, like July. 

We've had such fun over the years planning these and hanging out together. 

This year we missed some of our regular attendee's but also enjoyed the company of some of our newest staff members. 

Let's face it: we're crazy! 

I baked Christmas cookies inside on a 95 degree day, while Josh worked on painting the fence outside. Thank God for air-conditioning. 

Yes I listened to Christmas music

Yes I sang at the top of my lungs

Yes I danced and laughed and 

Yes my belly jiggled like a bowl full of jelly. 

Don't judge me. 

Yes I decorated for Christmas .

It was CHRISTMAS after all. 

And if you haven't already deserted me after this posted...

Yes, I did adorn my head with reindeer antlers. 

And yes, I did go to get Addy from her nap wearing these on my head. 

And no...I won't tell you her reaction. 

In time she learned to appreciate her mothers crazy side. 

I told you...

When the guests arrived, we played Christmas charades and Christmas pictionary!

Yes. 

We. 

Did. 

And yes we sang Christmas carols. 

Yup...we did. 

(see that bright light...that's the wildly hot day outside; this must be what Christmas feels like to Floridians and Australians, or something). 

Yes, Addy shared her instruments for caroling...

Yes we ROYALLY ENJOYED OURSELVES. 

The End. 

Till Christmas...

The real Christmas...

Not that this wasn't real...

Uhhhh 

You know what I mean!!!!!

Mothering Failures and Other Musings...

I didn't realize how much guilt I'd experience as a mother. Apparently it's more common than I knew.

A friend stopped through the drive-thru at the coffee shop the other day. It didn't take me long to realize that she didn't have her little lady in the back seat with her. When I asked where her side kick was she was slightly struggling for words. Then she finally let out, "She's with her Daddy today! I know it's weird I don't usually get out without her. But my husband said he wanted to take her and run some errands so I was like, uh okay!"

She then confessed that she feels...

"Guilt?" I finished for her.

"YES," she said. It was like she felt comforted to know that I too felt the same feelings when I went out for mommy time without my little lady.

Apparently, the feelings of guilt are more common than I first realized.

I thought I was a special class of crazy mommy's who fretted over their little one whenever they attempted to get out of the house for some mom time, girl time or husband time.

I'm getting better but I still don't like leaving when she's awake. This is the convenient part of working at 5 am.! I escape having to say goodbye to her. Not my favorite thing.

But I'm getting better.

Of course I realize that having mommy time is good for us.

I told my husband the other day that I have been feeling disconnected to what he's connected to (something we had as a pre-Addy point of connection for us). And, I managed to say that I'm loosing interest in what I once loved (writing and researching).

My thoughts are not clear anymore. Most of my sentences seem to run in fragments and are constantly being started and re-started as I tango my active toddler.

Before you start to provide a not so helpful phrase like, "Just wait till you have three kids" or, "Honey, it's all a part of being a mommy" let me assure you that I know that. Well, I know it as much as I humanly can right now.

But what I'm vegging about is that I don't want to loose passions and abilities that I know are God-given. I merely want encouragement on how to exercise them and feel human in the season I'm in.

I want to do what is set before me and do it well, not half-hearted.

And, lest you think I don't enjoy being a mommy, I'd ask you to re-think that entirely. I LOVE BEING A MOMMY (just watch my Instagram; I have a mild obsession with posting pictures of my side kick)! I love being a homemaker and I love being there for so many of Addy's discoveries. She's a delight and I will always love her and what she has brought into my life.

I am currently in the season of being a mommy and wife and trying to work out what serving Jesus looks like now.

I'm very thankful for four amazing junior high girls and one very awesome co-leader who have decided since January to walk with me in a life group, once a week together. These girls have helped me feel more human lately. They have helped me exercise gifts and be blown away humbled as they've loved on my family as well. Addy adores them and often thinks that anytime we go to visit Da Da at church that the "girls" will be there too.

I might also say I'm quite tickled by my friendships with my friends who aren't mothers but who truly want to come take a walk with me and Addy or ask my thoughts on theology or life. They make me feel like a valued human being in more ways than I can describe. I'm quite thankful for them.

And, call me crazy but this year I've accepted co-teaching classes for junior high camp and Addy will be coming along with us. I'm still trying to figure out the timing of teaching and working around Addy's schedule and Josh's directing schedule...but you know what? I'm stoked to try something new!

Another thing has happened to me recently. Two very kind woman come to my door on a regular basis and we discuss theology, the Bible and our own journeys. Their Jehovah's Witnesses and I haven't told them I'm not interested yet. They intrigue me in a non-creepy way. I think it's because their open to discuss, even when we royally disagree. I can hug them when they leave and welcome them back. They make me stronger in what I believe because I have something in which to sharpen my faith against.

Our times haven't been about whose right and wrong. I haven't tried to come up with some well-reasoned rebuttal to their comments. I'm listening and so are they. I'm researching and so are they. I'm quite happy they're in my life. And I love getting to know them as people first and foremost.

I've taken a few steps out of helping Josh with most of the ministry stuff I use to do. I found it too hard to be good at being a mom and be all present and available as a staff member. On Sunday's, I can be found at the church's coffee stand whippin' up mocha's and latte's and attending Sunday School with the adults for the first time in about nine years. I miss the connection with the youth and Josh in helping out, but I also knew that I needed an adult outlet for my own faith and well-being.

It's a season (don't ya just love that phrase?!).

There are a lot of assumptions put on to pastor's families. One is that his wife (and family) will just go along with whatever he is doing. Josh has done a great job of protecting me and Addy from that assumption. Understand that saying "no" to certain events that we normally would have done can be difficult. And, yup there's guilt that comes with the saying "no." But all in all, I feel like we're trying to be good stewards of what God has given us.

I don't want to be another statistic of a failing pastor's family who walk away from ministry burned out and sickened by the church. The church fails all the time because people fail...all the time. Yet, I see a certain beauty in it's presence that hasn't pushed me away yet. In fact, I love the church and seek to help redeem it all the time.

Yet, being a family in full-time ministry isn't easy.

There are many times when I feel like a single parent (not Josh's fault) because of all of the directions and things he is "strongly encouraged to attend."

It isn't easy forming traditions for our own family around the holiday's because of the many services he has to be at or events that are planned that we should probably make an appearance at.

There's late night youth events and gatherings, there's connections with the staff and students on the side, there's meetings and visits to the hospital.

And, I also work two or three days a week.

Many times our schedules are opposite. Yet, we're trying to find that happy balance or a balance none the less.

I have come to appreciate little times we get together as a family: a grocery shopping trip, a coffee date, a walk in our neighborhood to see the horse, goats and chickens that are out next door. Little things are becoming big things.

Play dates for Addy are also fellow mommy dates for me! I'm loving that. I sometimes get so slap happy with arranging play dates for Addy because I need to talk to and see MY friends (is that okay?!). Sure, our times together are never undisturbed, but it's okay. I'm loving being a mom with my fellow friends.

In the midst of it all, I realize that I will fail--as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend...

The journey we are all on is quite diverse in nature. No one story is the same.

We are susceptible to change, tragedy and triumph.

Life is more than a bowl full of cherries.

Life is more like a buffet line of some really great tasting food and some food that should stay in a baby food jar.

Life for each individual is for sure more than ever meets the eye. And, like the married couple in the movie, "Date Night," who ask while at dinner in a restaurant, "What's their story?" I can't help it...I wanna know the deeper story of a persons existence. I want to know more about their journey and less about my opinion of it.

You may assume you know a woman's life just by looking at her, how composed she is in her fashion, her mothering, her job. But do you really know the deep down frustrations, guilt and loneliness she experiences every day?

In whatever season (there it is again) of life you find yourself in, I hope to be that person in your life who doesn't assume to know who you are and what your experiencing without first getting to really know you. I don't mean Facebook stalking you either, because that's actually not a healthy way to truly get to know someone. I mean, I hope I can get to know you, have a mommy play date and talk always interrupted about our journey's.

Our relationship can be the type that finds a commonality in trying to get our kids to eat just one more bite, of adding yet one more thing to our already crazy calendar. We can relate and challenge and encourage. We can listen and rejoice, cry and get upset. We can find resolution and solitude in least likely places (I keep trying for two minutes of uninterrupted potty time...hasn't happened yet).

Mothering isn't easy.

Parenting is hardly ever like it is in the books.

Kids aren't all cookie cutters.

Sometimes life really is the pits.

Yet, joy is a gift that, if we always experienced it, would it really be a gift?

I'm learning to love this season (yup, I said it again). Learning... and always a student.